You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
