i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
