If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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