we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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