I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
