You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
