Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I enjoy the company of your penis
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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