so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
