I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
