walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
