This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
