New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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