I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
