i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
