sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
