Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
