He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
