she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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