you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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