Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's blow job season.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
