Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
