So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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