batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
