Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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