Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
