Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
