It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
