So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
