I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
