Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
