why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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