The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
