My cat gives me a boner
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
