fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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