My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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