Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
