im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
