Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
