My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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