the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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