Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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