I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish I could punch you in the face.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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