we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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