If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
