I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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