You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
