If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
