What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
