I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
