I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
