I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
