oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
