The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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