Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
