Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
